DAY 202: Still at 19 Minutes & 50 Seconds of Gazing
I have been struggling to find balance these past few months, perhaps all my life. Since returning from my five week vacation a giant unexpected hurdle came up in the face of the collective. It’s hard to even explain what it is because the collective is still pulling it’s usual numbers, but somehow it’s not enough for JJ and I to get any kind of management pay anymore. I’m working 5 days a week now, also doing some driving again, so I’ll have enough to pay my bills. I’ve tightened my belt and I’m managing to stay afloat, but somehow there is just no extra at all anymore. In the midst of this financial cataclysm (that’s how it feels to me anyway) I have jumped headlong into the collective and trying to make improvements to it, from the menu pictures to the descriptions, to the this newly designed and almost ready to launch shopping cart…but I have done this at the expense of all the other pursuits in my life. I haven’t been gazing, I haven’t been screenwriting or journaling and the last two weeks I haven’t even had time to do my stoned movie reviews (which are actually related to GLM) because I’ve been so single-minded. I believe that all of this work is about to pay off in ways I can’t fully imagine or comprehend. We are on track to have a record breaking month in November assuming the launch goes off, and those kinds of numbers will change everything. I know now that I have to find a balance between my work for GLM and my artistic and spiritual pursuits. I have been fueling the fire of my motivation with fear because of the financial changes that occurred, but now I realize I must fuel my motivation with love. Love for myself, love for what I do, love for life in general. As I practice this balance, remembering to put thoughts of the collective aside from time to time I know I will be giving it the space it needs to grow. SIDE EFFECTS: Things are still bat-shit crazy in my world. BENEFITS: Things are still bat-shit crazy in my world. The truth is I am starting to realize that the distinction between a “benefit” and a “side effect” is in and of itself an illusion. This dichotomy implies that side effects are bad and benefits are good, but the truth is that some of the more challenging things I’ve gone through have fostered some of the deepest growth. From now on I will be merging these two sections into a section called “results.” They aren’t good, or bad, they are results, and it’s up to me to assimilate those results into my life.
DAY 200: Moon Gazing: A New Moon & A Solar Eclipse
Tonight marks the first day of a new moon cycle, and it also happens to be a solar eclipse. In addition today is a Thursday, the day ruled by Jupiter, the planet of abundance and prosperity. So with such a nexus of positive energy, naturally my neighbors and I decided to do a prosperity spell. We’ve taken to calling ourselves a coven. We wrote our desires down on papers, said some prayerful words under the moonlight and joined hands. We set fire to our papers and as we did this we chanted an impromptu incantation “as the light of the moon increases so our fortunes will increase.” It happened naturally, organically, we didn’t plan what to say, and didn’t plan on saying anything at all. I imagine it was like this for the witches of Salem, experimenting with their own power and trying to harness the forces of nature. But in our case without the suspicion of all the villagers and torturous death by fire. The only thing dying by fire tonight is the paper our dreams are written on. And as the paper goes up in flame I imagine it has set my dream free from the prison of the page, from the dungeon of my mind, where it can grow. Free now to take shape, to form itself, and to come back to me in whatever form it wishes. It’s as if I have given my dreams a life, a purpose, indeed, a will of their own. When my dreams return to me in the form of manifestation, I will know in a way more deeply than I do now that dreams really can come true. Schmaltzy maybe, but simple, profound, and real. SIDE EFFECTS: The sun crosses any boundary to shake you into a deeper awareness of life. BENEFITS: You start to experience a deeper awareness of life.
DAY 199: Finally 19 Minutes & 50 Seconds of Gazing
Four days have passed. I finally gazed today, clawing my way toward the 20 minute mark, but not quite there yet. I’ve been at this on and off for almost 200 days now and when I look back before beginning gazing I can see drastic changes have occurred in my life. I am more serene. Right now I’m going on month three of no paycheck and although I don’t love the belt-tightening that’s been required of me I feel pretty okay. The Brian who lived in this body a year ago would have been freaking out, mostly miserable, and looking for the nearest bag of coke or bottle of booze to escape from the anxiety caused by the financial drought. Now I’m inclined to reach for some incense and my yoga mat. I credit the sun-gazing with these changes. Perhaps not singlehandedly, I also started chanting and doing yoga steadily around the same time, but without the structure required by my latest spiritual quest, I would still be spiritually flailing around and physically, probably drunk. SIDE EFFECTS: The sun is fucking serious about helping me grow, and right now it’s pruning the shit out of me. BENEFITS: A pruned plant grows even more robustly.
DAY 195: Still at 19 Minutes & 40 Seconds of Gazing
It’s been an entirely crazy week. The collective seems to be stalled financially at our same old numbers, but the internal changes we have made to the business are staggering. An entire new line of menu pics, new descriptions, new web traffic, a blog, etc…and yet we can’t seem to reach our monthly goals. We are meeting expenses, but not breaking old records. I am savvy enough now to know that this is a blessing, but despite this it still makes me feel a little tense. I’m doing yoga again and I think this is part of the universe’s agenda…to get me back to a clean, healthy and self-loving lifestyle. I needed to be brought low from my party days, from my adventuring or I never would have given it up. This is the method I’ve chosen to use to come back to health, and even though my conscious mind didn’t prefer it at times, so far it has been working like a charm. The Sadhana and the Sun-Gazing has orchestrated this. My entire year has been bent to a schedule that revolves around the schedule of the sun. With the sun-gazing the reasons are obvious, but even with Sadhana, the required 4:00 am rising time encourages my rhythms to sync up with the sun as well. This has been healing and cleansing and I’d like to say magical. But at the moment, I’m just a little too tired. SIDE EFFECTS: When you invite sunlight in to shake up your dysfunctions and make you more whole, it messes with your life. BENEFITS: Whatever, this part of the journey sucks.
DAY 189: Still at 19 Minutes & 40 Seconds of Gazing
I have been getting up for Sadhana at 3:45am pretty consistently for the last week or so now, and it feels amazing and improves the emotional quality of my morning. As a trade off though, by 5:30 when I need to leave to make it to the top of the mountain to gaze, I am exhausted and easily lulled into skipping.
DAY 187: 19 Minutes & 40 Seconds of Gazing
I could not get myself off the couch to go and gaze. This has been happening more and more the further I get into this process. It’s as if I am fighting my spiritual growth, which is really just regular growth, because everything has a spiritual component to it. The greeting card someone sends goes out with words written on it, but energy stamped on it as well. The glance of a stranger isn’t just eyeballs, it also has it’s own quality, it’s own vibe, if you will. I believe that invisible realm is trying to present itself to me and prove itself, and show itself in no uncertain terms. But I am resisting my own faith, my own blossoming. I feel that way, but in the end I am probably right on schedule and worrying for nothing. Indeed all worrying is for nothing. I have become lost in the midst of this gazing adventure. My schedule has cracked along with my collective and my faith. Money is tighter than it’s been in years, my rent is late, and I’m saving up for groceries. I haven’t had to save up for groceries since we grew up with a single-mom putting herself through college while raising two kids. I am a single gay male in West Hollywood with my own pot business, so what in the hell is happening? My mind is crowded with stress these days. I meditate, I even started a yoga set that I’ll be doing once a day for the next thousand days, but somehow the vice grip of monetary stillness keeps bearing down tighter. I want to be more resolute about my gazing and my happiness. I want to be like J Krishnamurti extolls, where I “just don’t mind what happens.” I’ve glimpsed that serene state of being, flirted with it, but I can’t seem to lower my guard and let it stay for breakfast the next morning. My mind is all over the place. SIDE EFFECTS: I skipped it again today so I wouldn’t know. BENEFITS: I am aware that it’s most beneficial to remain positive and I try to hold onto that. But shit sucks right now.
DAY 186: 19 Minutes & 30 Seconds of Gazing
I’ve been reading this Eckhart Tolle book called A New Earth in which he describes how to transcend our ego, emerge into a sense of timelessness and end all of our mental and emotional suffering. I’ve been gobbling it up like crazy. Tolle quotes a beautiful story told by Indian philosopher and spiritual teacher J. Krishnamurti in which he addresses his audience one evening by unexpectedly asking “do you want to know my secret?” Um, I’m thinking yeah! Here it comes: the secret to a deep transcendent experience of life, indeed the key to life itself! You could hear a pin drop as everyone waited with bated breath to hear what pearl of wisdom would come next from the master’s lips. “This is my secret,” Krishnamurti finally says, “I don’t mind what happens.” And I started thinking, wow, I’m actually feeling like that at the moment. I described my current state of being to my friend Ben and he brought up J Krishnamurti himself, confirming to me in the way The Great Whatever out there likes to do that I am on the right path and making good choices. The gaze was peaceful and soothing again. I think my eyes have shifted into a place of being more in tune with the sun. This has happened at a time when I have given up meat as well again so I’m not sure if they are related, but in the interest of scientific purity I wanted to include it here. I’m meatless for about two weeks now, and I’m also better able to tolerate the sun. SIDE EFFECTS: My circumstances have continued to rock and rage as if being tossed like driftwood on a stormy sea. BENEFITS: I feel more at peace and tranquil even within the storm of my circumstances. I don’t react, I integrate. It’s pretty neat.
DAYS 178-185: 19 Minutes & 20 Seconds of Gazing
Right after determining that I was becoming unstoppable (see previous post) I skipped gazing for two days straight because I felt too tired and lazy. In fairness to myself I worked a 10 hour day both of those days and I would have had to sneak up to the mountain top and gaze during work hours. On the other hand I work for myself and answer to nobody so I totally could have done that. Finally on Sunday I gazed, and as usual the experience was peaceful and filled with warmth. I have gazed steadily for the past three nights. Now something else has shifted. The bright burning white quality of the sun 30 minutes before sundown seems only like a dim gold to me now. Either my eyes have really begun to adjust to the light or somebody turned the sun down a notch this week. Drinking in the suns rays feels like splashing hot water on my face initially for a few minutes, almost too bright to sustain my gaze. This week, even though I actually started ten minutes earlier than usual (so the sun should have been even brighter) the sun was dimmer, more golden, more welcoming, like a ball of melted honey inviting me to drink my fill at ease. SIDE EFFECTS: Our eyes do seem to be able to become conditioned. BENEFITS: I can drink in almost 20 minutes of light without so much as a squint.
DAY 172: 18 Minutes & 30 Seconds of Gazing – My Birthday
Tonight, in honor of my birthday, both Brett and Nikki came along for the gaze with me; they were the original two who started this gazing adventure with me so tonight it felt like the band got back together. I’m not in a band so I have no idea how that really feels, but I imagine it’s something akin to the camaraderie and excitement we felt gazing together again, the original trio, before Yoko and our schedules got in the way. It was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday gaze. As the calendar marks off another year of my life I realize I am officially an adult. I am 36 today, so you might be thinking “duh, you’ve been an adult for the past 18 years.” But that is not so. I have been trusted by our society to make my own decisions for the last 18 years, allowed to drive and smoke etc…but I have definitely not been an adult. From my fast food diet to my slick-ass lifestyle I have been riding the wave of my adolescence for my entire adult life. Sure I traveled around Africa in my early 20’s helping the poor and needy in my born-again Christian days. And yes, I’ve started my own successful non-profit organization in Los Angeles that helps many sick patients find relief. And fine, you’re right, I’ve been supporting myself successfully the entire time and always had plenty for entertainment and eating out and what many in our society would describe as luxury after luxury. But trust me, I did all of that as a kid. As for traveling around Africa, I did it for the excitement in my youth, the fact that we helped the poor made it fun to explain, but I was a glorified tourist with a merit badge collection who didn’t know any better so I worshiped Jesus instead of trying to become like him. And that non-profit organization I created, it’s a medical marijuana delivery service. We help plenty of sick folks, even terminal folks find relief, but bonus: I get to be stoned all the time too. So in the midst of whatever adult endeavors I’m on, the “kid stuff” is all around me. I realized this morning that somewhere along the line in my childhood I told myself that once you turn 36 you are officially an adult. I just remembered this. When I was younger I knew plenty of folks in their twenties who didn’t seem like adults. So in my logical kid mind I decided adulthood must start in your mid-thirties. The matter was settled for me and I promptly forgot all about it. But I think on some deeper core level I adopted this idea as gospel truth. I became aware of all of this the other day when my house guest left and I noticed the towel I had given him hanging on the shower curtain bar. It was a nice plush fancy towel I’d taken from a hotel but never used, in favor of my brightly colored kids sized beach towel, despite it being wafer thin now and way too small for me. I knew I’d grown up now because I wanted the comfort of that fancy drab hotel towel over the childish nostalgia of my bright dolphin dotted kiddie towel. Yes, I stole this towel from a hotel two years ago, but that’s not the point. The point is that I am evolving. At least that’s how I see it. The kid I was had stolen the towel. It was the newly minted adult in me that was going to be using it from now on. I notice there have been elements of being a healer in all my endeavors; from the surgeries in Africa to the cancer patients in West Hollywood, to my personal pursuits with chanting, marijuana and yoga. How to become whole and how to help others become whole has been a central theme in my life, and maybe it’s all the pot I’ve been smoking as my journey unfolds, but I’m just realizing this now. The kid in me has been playing with the healing arts like they are a shovel and a pail in a sand box; the adult that was born when I turned 36 the other day is going to buckle down and master them. Mark my words, in a year you’ll be clamoring to touch the hem of my robe. Did that sound arrogant? Maybe that’s because I still have a ways to go. Here in the middle of phase two of my sun gazing experiment though, I feel on top of the world, ready to be on the top of my game, and charged up like a NASA (pun-intended) sized battery! It’s my birthday, and I’m blowing out the candles. SIDE EFFECTS: You start to want to be unstoppable. BENEFITS: You start to become unstoppable.
DAY 169: 18 Minutes & 20 Seconds of Gazing
It feels good to be gazing steadily again. My gazing has been sporadic over the last few weeks and yet The Great Whatever out there has been guiding me toward books and videos that shout the themes of devotion and practice and determination. I made a resolution with myself at the New Year that I was going to try to read a book a week in 2014, and at the very least I would read 41 books (because that’s how many blanks I was able to fit on the big book board I made and hung on my wall as a way to keep myself motivated). Currently I am on book 25, and yet the year is well past half over. So in an effort to catch up I downloaded a few short books from my audible.com account and I also picked up an old Echhart Tolle book that I was already half way done with (shh, this might be cheating) in order to add some quick titles to the board. Well as it happens both the Tolle book and the ones I downloaded to my iPhone are predominantly about mental training and they have been reverberating in my mind even as I let business and busy-ness distract me for the last few weeks. I have been dedicated, gazing pretty steadily since April, but I haven’t been devoted or determined, I now realize. I have just been meeting the sun, and expecting the light to do all the work. I now understand that I need to show up in a receptive state, in an expectant state, in a calm and patient state. I must do my part in allowing the sun to enter and work it’s magic. I have been doing the HRM protocol, so named for it’s originator and largest advocate Hira Ratan Manek, who made headlines and piqued my interest when the article came out saying he had been observed by NASA for over 100 days and didn’t eat a thing because he could live off the sunlight. In this midst of this revelation about my desire to be more devoted and to treat this journey as more sacred I happened to watch the documentary about sun-gazing called Eat the Sun. This documentary follows around Mason Dwinell, author of The Earth Was Flat: The Ancient Practice of Sun-Gazing as he tries an experiment much like the one I am undertaking now. After completing the entire protocol of 44 minutes in over nine months he decides in the film that sun-gazing is not for him. He also sees an eye doctor and discovers a burn on both his retinas. There is also a subplot in the film where a camera man secretly follows around Hira Ratan Manek in dramatic Michael Moore style and in the end catches him secretly eating food at a local indian restaurant. The waves of disappointment that went through me when I saw that HRM had been secretly eating were palpable. I am not doing this to lose my appetite for food, I love eating, but somehow the revelation that this man perpetrated a deception wounded my faith in this whole experiment. I guess you’re probably thinking “you should have watched that documentary before you spent 5 months burning your retinas you nincompoop.” And if so the first thing I want to say to you is that nobody says nincompoop anymore you big ninny. And secondly, the timing of The Great Whatever couldn’t be more perfect actually. If I had seen this video at the beginning I probably wouldn’t have started, or made it past the first week if I did start. But now, over five months in, I know that something real and deep is happening to me, so one man’s lapse of judgment and integrity and another man’s burned retinas don’t have the same power to turn me from this path that they would have had at the start of my quest for hotness, healing and super powers. Juxtaposed against the books I’ve been reading about devotion the documentary only emboldened me even more to have my own experience with the sun and document it as honestly and clearly as I can. I know how visceral and transformative this experience can be, even at only the halfway mark, and if other curious souls only have Eat the Sun and Dwinell’s book to turn to when investigating whether sun-gazing is right for them, then I want to add my two cents to the mix. This shit works, even if you keep eating. Hell, I love eating, I’m in this to get skinny and healthy and maybe read minds, but I’m sure as shit not giving up pizza. And incidentally, despite the burns the eye doctors found on Dwinell’s retinas he reports that he can see better than ever and in the exams he showed no symptoms of eye problems. Th eye doctor was surprised that with a burn that size he was reporting no issue and testing off the charts for accuracy. So the sun may burn my eyes, but if so it will be a sacred branding, not an incapacitating injury. I am ready to be marked. I am ready for anything. SIDE EFFECTS: The sun was very hot and bright tonight. I squinted and cried and felt a throbbing in my temple. BENEFITS: I am a different person. I’m not sure words can describe just how the sun repairs the unknown broken parts of me. But I emerge after each session now feeling energized, well, and serene.
